Twilight Review: Skip It; See True Blood Instead

She dished up our popcorn, then asked us what we were going to see. "Twilight," we answered. And the 18-year-old movie theater worker replied giddy; breathless. "I've seen it seven times."
"Really?" My husband says.
"Oh, it's awesome."
It's date night. We are so thrilled to be out of the house that we banter with anyone who will take the time.
"I've read all the books. I love that movie. It's my favorite movie," she said, popping plastic lids on our Cokes.
We were hopeful.
I spent the entire summer reading the four "Twilight" books, inviting Charlotte to nurse more frequently so that I could sit and read. The town of Forks is emblazoned in my imagination, as are Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and the rest. I waited to see the movie until the initial rush died down. Then David, my generous husband, agreed to go see it. Even if his cousins said it was a "chick flick."
So what's my verdict? I suppose, if pressed, I'd give the film about 2 stars. It's definitely a renter. Sad to say, since I was so excited to see it.
First off, the camera is constantly in the character's faces. As I read the books, I always envisioned their whole bodies. And I wonder what's the motivation in pressing us so far up their noses, unless it's to give prepubescent girls a really good look at Edward Cullen. All that did for me, though, was highlight the horrible makeup jobs. When the character of paste-white Dr. Carlisle Cullen, played by David Facinelli, was introduced, we laughed out loud. It looked like he'd been in a fight with the Pillsbury dough boy and lost. Even Bella Swan, played by Kristen Stewart, the best performer of the ensemble, looks drab and dishwatery in the film.
Then there's the acting. Robert Pattinson plays Edward Cullen. He makes Mark Hamill's Luke Skywalker seem Shakespearean. During the scenes in which Edward is wrestling with his inner bloodthirsty demons, Pattinson just looked constipated. Really, really constipated. It didn't help matters that David kept leaning over during those scenes and singing the Saturday Night Live digital short "Jizz in my Pants." Jasper Cullen, played by Jackson Rathbone, reminded me of a bad Cure video. Taylor Lautner's Jacob Black will no doubt have me at least renting the sequel. His chemistry with Stewart is palpable. I always wanted Bella to end up with Jacob anyway.
The movie's main action sequence in the dance studio was well done. Stephenie Meyer is a mediocre writer, in my opinion, and this is revealed when she inks action. The film did a better job of moving the suspensful parts forward. On the other hand, where in the world were the fangs? Aren't all vamp movies supposed to reveal killer fangs at some point?
When we got home, we put in an episode of True Blood. Now there's a vampire show you can really sink your teeth into.